Prone to Wander.

Today my little 7 year old neighbor ran away from home. Well, I guess he didn't run away. Luke has special needs and he wandered so far from home that he didn't know how to get back.

I heard that he was missing about 30 minutes after he had left his house. The last anyone had seen of him, he'd taken his little bag of golf clubs and walked out to his yard. A while later, when his family went looking for him he was nowhere in sight.

We fanned out searching the neighborhood. His mom called the police. My brother searched the woods behind our house. I ran through the neighborhood, stopping to ask anyone I saw if they'd seen Luke. They hadn't.

After 45 minutes of frantic searching, I got word that they'd found him. He was more than a mile from home. Hiding in a stranger's dark basement. It wasn't until a squad car triumphantly delivered Luke to his mom, that I realized how much Luke's little "afternoon adventure" parallels my life.

I'm given more than I could ever dream of asking for in my relationship with Jesus. Really and truly, "My cup runneth over" (Psalm 23:5). I am blessed so far beyond what I am even capable of fathoming. And yet, I still find myself distracted by lesser things.

Like Luke who left his backyard, his dog, his siblings, his sweet mom, and the comfort and safety of home to simply wander into someone else's dark basement, I forsake everything of any importance when I'm not content to simply abide in Christ.

I'm reminded of the final verse of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing":


O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above


I am so prone to wander. My sinful heart lusts after things of this world: material things, success, academics, popularity....the list goes on and on. And sometimes when I wander too far, like Luke, I can't find my way back. I become so entangled in apathy that it takes me captive. And I'm powerless to escape. I can't do it on my own. I need Jesus to save me.

And that's when the beauty of the Gospel shines most clearly in my life. When I wander, it's only by the grace of God that I ever find my way back. Just as it was the first day that Christ captured my heart, He sought me out. That same hymn speaks to this part of my life too:

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

In the same way that I was in no way responsible for finding my own way to salvation, I'm also not the one responsible for securing my salvation. In John 10, Jesus give me assurance of his role in holding my heart once I am His:

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." (John 10:27-30)

I wish I could say that I plan never to stray again, but my heart is sinful. I know it is. I'm just thankful that God provides such beautiful, tangible pictures of his grace. And that Christ provides assurance that even when I wander like Luke, He will never forsake me. He holds me in His hand, and nothing, nothing can ever change that.

As is so eloquently expressed in 2 Corinthians 12:9, in Paul's Second Epistle to the Church of Corinth:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."


Yes, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness. For in my broken inability to lead a blameless life and to cling unfailingly to Jesus, the power of his Gospel of Grace shines the most clearly.

Free.

Leviticus.

I have never been interested in Leviticus. I have been content to skip those 40 pages of my Bible and flip to a more "relevant" section. But I've made a commitment to read through the Bible, from cover to cover, before graduation, so I sat down and read it. All the way through. For the first time in my life.

It was incredible. Though many of the priestly laws or laws governing sacrifice or commands to eat only animals that chew cud and are cloven-footed are no longer rules that I have to live my life under, it was humbling to me to realize the magnitude of the law God placed before his people. In reading Leviticus, I was humbled by the harsh reminder of the fact that I will never and can never live up to the law of God. But I was also humbled by the sweet reminder that Jesus has redeemed me, that I am now free from the punishment that I deserve under the law.

God delivered to Moses his divine law to govern the people of Israel. Of the five books of the Pentateuch that comprise the law, Leviticus spends the most time discussing the "dos" and "don'ts" of Old Testament law. In essence, Leviticus is a collection of liturgical legislation that discusses everything from laws governing sacrifice and celebration to dietary law. In my Bible it spans 27 Chapters, and in my opinion the law seems nearly impossible to abide by.

My goodness, I look to the Ten Commandments and I've broken every one of them. I've never killed a man, mind you, but I have committed murder in my heart. If I'm unable to keep just the Ten Commandments, how then could I ever hope to abide by all of the statutes placed forth in Leviticus to find favor in God's eyes?

I stray. Often. I lose sight of the important thigns and surrender to sin. I allow my heart to wander. When I really think about it, I don't believe that enough cattle, or sheep, or rams without blemish existed in the entire Old Testament world to atone for my sin.

Thank goodness I'm no longer held to that standard. I am free from the law. Jesus has called me. He has redeemed me. I am saved and no part of it has been my own doing. My salvation doesn't rest on how well I live, how many good things I can do before I die. And I don't have to atone for my sin by taking animals to the temple to sacrifice to God. The Lamb of God died for me. I am free from the law.

I wish that I could say that this knowledge keeps me firmly grounded in a constant and faithful walk with God, but it doesn't. My faith is like shifting sand. I'm reminded of the lyrics of Derek Webb's song "Beloved". Written from Christ's perspective, the first verse of the song never fails to speak powerfully to me:

"Beloved these are dangerous times
because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine
and the wind has blown you all over town
because there is nothing holding you to the ground

so now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law"

I may be distracted by lesser things. I may allow myself to be "blown all over town", but ultimately that doesn't change anything. I am free from the law. Christ came to redeem me. God is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me. It doesn't get any sweeter than that. I have found freedom in Jesus. I am free.

"I'm on Aslan's Side".

"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

In the past few days I've been struggling with doubt. I've talked to several people who called into question the validity of the Bible. They don't believe because factual evidentiary support for the Bible isn't certain.

Belief in the fact that the God of the universe cares for us, died for us can't be purely intellectually founded. It requires faith, and that bothers me.

I want things to be certain, for the truth to be objective, self-evident, tangible, black-and-white. But it's just not that simple. I doubt like Thomas. I'm just not lucky enough to have the chance to place my hands in the wounds of Jesus.

I have encountered Jesus--just not in a physical way. It's because of this that doubt can get such a strong foothold in my life. And that's just what it had done earlier this week.

"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

I don't remember what I dreamt about last night, but I do know that I woke up with this quote fixed firmly in my mind. I don't quite know how it got there.

I don't know how my subconscious pulled it to the surface of my thoughts. It's been 3 or 4 years since I read C.S. Lewis' The Silver Chair in which Puddleglum makes this powerful declaration. Actually, I take that back...I know why that quote was emblazoned in my thoughts. It was a "God-Thing". He knew exactly what I needed to calm my pensive, doubting, fearful heart.


"Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say."

"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it." At that moment the doubt that had consumed me was drowned in grace. I've realized that it doesn't matter if I'm right...or if I'm wrong. I want this life because if this world is all there is, then I agree with Puddleglum: "Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one." I want this life more than anything of this world. Jesus is mine. And I am His. And nothing else matters.

I love the gentle ways that God makes his truth known to me. I'm not like Moses; He doesn't speak to me from a burning bush. And I'm not like Mary; He doesn't send angels to declare his word. But, when I least expect it, I wake up some mornings with sweet reminders that even though I'm blind to his greatness, even through I'm too stupid to see him for who he truly is, that My Jesus is more beautiful than anything else I could ever want.

"I'm on Aslan's side"....not because the intellectual evidence is undeniable, but because Jesus has called me and I want his life more than anything else in the world. "I'm on Aslan's side," and I know that King Jesus leads it.

"Regular Everyday Conversation".

Last night I watched the movie "New In Town" with Renee Zelwegger. It's a cute movie about Lucy, a Miami business woman, who has to move to New Ulm, Minnesota to oversee a factory there.

At first, Lucy is appalled by the idea of having to move to a podunk town in the middle of a vast frozen wilderness, but once she arrives she meets some of the friendliest small-town people anyone could ever hope to know.

By far, the friendliest of all the friendly inhabitants of New Ulm is Lucy's new secretary, Blanche. Towards the end of the movie, poor Blanche finds out that Lucy has been lying to her. She's hurt when she realizes that Lucy cares far more about advancing her own career than she does about the people of New Ulm. She confronts Lucy, acknowledging that Minnesotans aren't "cool" like everybody else: "We talk funny, we ice fish, we scrapbook and we drag Jesus into regular everyday conversation."

"We drag Jesus into regular everyday conversation." It hit me. Buried in that silly romantic comedy about Minnesota was a line so convicting that I've been thinking about it ever since.

"We drag Jesus into regular everyday conversation." The people of New Ulm do. But I don't. Bringing up Jesus in "regular everyday conversation"...especially conversation with non-believers can be really awkward so I usually shy away from doing it. I'm pitiful. I allow uncomfortable circumstances to keep me quiet about the most awesome thing I've ever known. The God of the universe loves me. My Jesus died for me. I should be shouting his name from the rooftops rather than keeping him confined to conversations with my Bible study group or an occasional mention of him to a friend from church.

We are called to "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" Matthew 28:19. The Great Commission. I've always associated it with missionaries who pack up their belongings to preach the Good News to the unreached and unengaged peoples of the world, but Jesus calls us to so much more than that. I'll start right here, making disciples in this nation. I'll share the gospel any chance that I get, and I'll make a conscious effort to "drag Jesus into regular everyday conversation".

Forgiven.

Exodus.

Moses encountered the living God in the burning bush.
Moses warned Pharoh of the coming plagues.
Moses parted the Red Sea and led the Israelites to the Promised Land.
Moses met God on Mount Sinai.
Moses brought the 10 Commandments to his people.
Moses authored the Pentateuch.

God used Moses for greatness, but Moses was a simple man. Moses was a sinner just like me. Perhaps that is what draws me so powerfully to his story.

I'll admit that I'm a "recoving Pharisee". I struggle daily with moralism and legalism and I fall to defeat when I fail to earn the grace that God gives so freely. I should learn that I'll never be good enough, but I am stubborn and slow to learn.

I'm a sinner. It's natural. It's innate. It's as much a part of who I am as anything else about me. I wallow perpetually in mental sin. I don't recognize God in his glory in the way that I should--ever. I know that I'm sinful. The idea that I'm a sinner is nothing new to me.

But, when my sinful nature manifests itself physically I often feel separation from God, as though I've wronged him so greatly that forgiveness simply isn't big enough to cover me.

For me, the story of Moses is a beautiful reminder that God uses sinful people. He works through us to achieve his purposes, to proclaim his glory.

In Exodus 2:12 Moses strikes an Egyptian, killing the man. Murder. Moses committed murder. He took a life, hid the body in the sand, and fled from Egypt. Moses committed a sin that I often view as being "unforgivable" but within a matter of Bible verses, God appears before Moses in the burning bush. Moses's sin held no power to prevent God from using Moses for his purposes.

Sin separates us from God, but he is powerful to overcome that separation. Once he selects us as one of his own, nothing in our sinful nature is big enough to hinder his plans for us.

My sins have been forgiven. All of them. My sins have all been washed away. I can rest in knowing that I am forgiven.

In The Beginning.

Genesis.

I still struggle to fathom the time before the world began. When nothing existed. The time before mountains, or dinosaurs, or trees.

God in his triune perfection reigned, but all else was dark and void....until He spoke. "Let there be light" and for the first time in all of eternity, the stillness of velvety darkness was broken.

Light. Water. Land. Plants. Sun. Birds. Sea Creatures. Land Animals. Man. Woman. And God saw that it was "good" and on the seventh day he rested from his work.

Though these opening verses of the Bible are perhaps the most often quoted of all scripture,I am still floored by the absolute power of our God. He spoke light into existence, he created all that exists and upholds the physical universe.

We aren't random products of a random universe....we didn't rise up from the goo after millions of years of evolution. We were created by God in his image for the sole purpose of bringing Him glory. Not that God needed us to increase his glory. We are utterly incapable of doing any such thing. Rather, like a mirror that reflects the image of what stands before it, as God's creation we reflect the glory of the Creator. Our great God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

So, let us revel in the joy we find in Jesus and rest in the knowledge that our great God is powerful to do all things.

This Time I Mean It.

I've decided to read through the Bible. Before Graduation.

This is not my typical "I'll read through the Bible" New Year's Resolution. Every January 1st, for the past 3 years I've promised myself that THIS time I'll actually stick to it....I'll read it all the way through, but I've never been diligent enough to finish. I've never even made it a week.

But this time, things will be different. This time I mean it. I'll read the Bible from cover-to-cover. And I won't take 365 days to do it. I'll finish by May 20th.

I'm really excited about this. How awesome it will be to embark on this adventure, to read through the entirety of God's Word, His love letter to me.

I've decided to read through the Bible. This time I mean it.

Wisdom Teeth.

They took my wisdom teeth on Friday.

Everyone joked that I wouldn't be wise anymore. Who were they kidding? 17 year old me? Wise? Nope. I'm smart, but I've never been wise.

I laughed at their name. "Wisdom Teeth". What a silly name for that last obnoxious set of molars. But I've found that "wisdom teeth are aptly named.

We started back to school from Christmas break last Tuesday. In my time without school I was enjoying leisurely hour and a half long quiet times and reading John Piper books before I fell asleep. Things were good, but I was worried that the responsibilites and deadlines of school would soon stifle my relationship with Jesus. So on Tuesday night, I journaled a prayer: "Jesus, please provide me with circumstances that will require me to place my trust in you." I drifted off to sleep thinking that IF that prayer was to be answered it would simply be in the form of a difficult school week. WOW, did I ever underestimate God's plan.

The next day, Wednesday, the pain in my mouth caused by my wisdom teeth coming in had grown so bad that I checked out of school and scheduled an emergency appointment with the dentist. I showed up at his office at around 9:30 and within half an hour he'd informed me that I needed to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed--soon. We immediately scheduled an appointment with the oral surgeon for Friday.

I still laugh when I think about it. God answered my prayer in less than 12 hours. In such a funny way. I had been afraid of having my wisdom teeth taken out for YEARS...ever since I was like 7. It was so humbling to smile to myself, graciously accept the (uncomfortable) blessing, and acknowledge "I asked for it, Jesus." He certainly has a sense of humor. :)

So, just as I asked, all of this has been an exercise in trust--Friday especially. However, trust isn't all that I've learned. I feel as though God has presented me with a new lesson--a new morsel of "wisdom" each day throughout all of this. It's been so exciting to find out what awaits me each day.

As I said, Friday was an exercise in trust. I'm a worrier, but when fearful thoughts would arise, I simply whispered "I trust you, Jesus" and I was immediately reminded of God's sovreignty in all things...big and small. If God's in control, what do I have to worry about. For, "If God is for us, who can be against us." Romans 8:31.

Saturday, I woke up really swollen...with my typically rounded face all squared-off at the jaw. I was puffy and looked like I'd gained 20 pounds but aside from pain caused by swelling I didn't feel bad. I spent my day out-and-about. I went to lunch with my grandparents and went to Starbucks with a friend, I had fun but it was hard to enjoy myself because I was so worried about how UGLY and SWOLLEN I was. It's silly, but my self-conscious thoughts were eating away at my enjoyment of the day. I had planned to go to the youth group semester kick-off Dodgeball Game with friends, but I began to worry that I was so swollen and puffy that maybe it would be better not to go. Finally, I swallowed my pride and dressed in my 80s/Jazzercise attire to get ready for the night. :) I'm so glad I did. My sweet friends were so encouraging...and noone seemed to care that my face was twice the size it was supposed to be. I even smiled for pictures that ended up on Facebook--Haha. Later that night as I wiped my 80s make up off of my face, I looked into the mirror and initially I was angry at the swelling. Within moments, though, I realized how stupid I was being. I realized that the people who matter love me for who I am, not for how much I weigh or how well I dress and do my make-up. The only people that matter love me for me. I realized that I'm beautiful in a way that this world may not always appreciate. I am beautiful because God created me. I am His and He is mine, that's all that really matters. I had a fantasitc time and God really used that night as a lesson in confidence and assurance in who He created me to be.

Sunday's lesson was in brokenness. Standing in Sunday School, my face so swollen I spoke with a slight lisp, I had little reason to be prideful. When the Praise Team began to play, the opening chords of "Blessed Be Your Name" filled the room. "Though there's pain in the offering, Lord, Blessed be your name...." It hurt to even open my mouth and quietly sing along. What a sweet, lyrical reminder that Jesus meets me where I stand.

What a funny, unexpected adventure these past few days have been. Yes, I do believe that "wisdom teeth" are aptly named.